


Left Handed Spiral Bound Notebooks

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-27
Updated: 2006-03-27
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:57:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12412509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Like one in every ten people, Lily Evans is left handed. So when her Muggle Studies professor gives out right handed spiral bound notebooks, she is naturally offended. Follow her humorous journey with her friends as she finds justice for lefties...





	1. Even Righties Agree

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Author's Note:** My first story on UR, I'm so excited... this story was quite well received over on FF.net, and I'm hoping it will be equally as well received over here. To reduce confusion, the two girls in italics and bold are OCs. The order in which they speak in are written underneath:

Lily

_Melissa_

**Kayla**

James

**_Sirius_ **

**_ Remus _ **

And here is your summary: 

Like one in every ten people, Lily Evans is left handed. So when her Muggle Studies professor commissions spiral bound notebooks for the class to use instead of parchment, she is naturally offended by the fact that the sprials are on the left side. As she says: 'Have you ever tried to write with bits of metal poking into your wrist!' Therefore, with a little help from her friends and a Speech-Recording Charm, she produces a list of ten reasons to defend her kind, the left-handed ones, and gain the respect they deserve - by getting her left handed spiral bound notebooks. 

**Disclaimer:** J.K. Rowling owns all recognizable characters

**Left-Handed Spiral Bound Notebooks**

**Chapter 1**

 

**Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks, By Lily Evans**

**_With commentary from Melissa Taylor and Kayla Ferns (Plus James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin)_ **

To Professor Homirtisanitoriolc… 

_His name’s too long._

**You may as well give up now, Lil.**

To Professor H, I am writing to tell you about a little something that Muggles have invented; yet the wizarding world has not yet caught on to. They are called left-handed notebooks. 

_Left-handed_ spiral-bound _notebooks._

Whatever. Anyway, after our little… disagreement yesterday about how the left-handed students of the school… 

_You mean you._

Shut up, Mel. Anyway, I suggested that you make left-handed spiral-bound notebooks available to left-handed students like myself, as it is apparently compulsory to use spiral-bound notebooks instead of parchment in Muggle Studies. However, you did not find it… necessary, shall I say, to make this available to us. 

**I think his exact words were: ‘Well, if you’re so smart, Lily Evans, why don’t you just conjure one up instead of bothering me about it**?' 

_Oh, and he said, after that: 'Find somebody else who cares, and then bother me about it.'_

**Thus the start of this petition. You know, I have half a mind to give that recording of what you said to Dumbledore.**

_If we’re lucky, maybe you’ll get fired, Professor… so remind me why we’re doing this again, Lil?_

Because I’m trying to make life easier. 

By getting us to help you write this stupid, waste-of-time petition? 

**Technically, we’re not actually writing this.** **Those quills are just recording everything we’re saying, remember?**

_Nice spell by the way, Lily._

Thanks. Anyway, Professor, we have come up with the top ten reasons why you should make left-handed notebooks available. 

**1\. Even right-handed people, like Melissa and Kayla, agree**

_Actually, we didn’t have much choice. Lily can be very… persuasive sometimes._

**Yeah, it’s even harder to disagree when she’s threatening to shrink you down and throw you into Moaning Myrtle’s favourite toilet. You know it’s a promise, not a threat, especially after what she did to Narcissa Black last week.**

_THAT WAS YOU?_

Can we get back to the point here? The quill’s recording everything we’re saying and I don’t think Professor H wants to read about our… shall we say, out-of-class recreational activities. 

_Yeah, because we always turn snotty Slytherins into giant pumpkins and bounce them around the Entrance Hall._

**And the Great Hall.**

_And the Charms corridor._

**Don’t forget the Astronomy Tower!**

That’s it; I’m ripping this up and starting again. 

_You do that._

**But we won’t help you do another one.**

WHAT? BUT YOU’VE GOT TO! I CAN’T PERSUADE HIM ON MY OWN! YOU KNOW YOU’RE HIS FAVOURITES! 

_Then don’t rip this up._

**Oh look, there’s the Marauders. Hi, boys!**

((Distraction sounds detected))

You know, sometimes I don’t know why I bother with them. They’re busy talking to James, Sirius, Remus and Peter now. I know James is my boyfriend, and I love him and everything, but I really want to get back to the point of thislist, or I’ll never finish it. Oh great, now James is looking at me weirdly because he thinks I’m talking to myself. He’s coming over… 

((New user of Speech-Recording Spell detected))

Hey! What’re you recording?

Nothing. 

Come on… wait, I don’t have to beg you. It’s all on the paper.

James, give me that! 

‘Why the world needs left-handed spiral-bound notebooks, by Lily Evans’

_Don’t forget the ‘with commentary by Melissa Taylor and Kayla Ferns’ part._

Of course. Genius. 

_Thanks._

CAN WE GET BACK TO THE POINT NOW? 

((New user of Speech-Recording Spell detected)) 

**_What’s all this yelling about?_**

Oh great. Just what I need. More people. Go away, Sirius! 

**I thought you wanted people to be aware.**

_No, she forced people to be aware._

There’s a difference to being aware and butting in! 

**_Not to us._**

CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE POINT? 

((New user of Speech-Recording Spell detected)) 

**_You’re writing something and leaving me out? How rude._**

REMUS J. LUPIN! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES! 

**_Sorry, Lily. A Marauder is never ‘one of the good ones’._**

((Sounds of tears detected)) 

**_Our ickle Moony’s all grown up._**

And I thought we’d never see the day.

**_So… what are we doing here?_**

Well, I was trying to get Professor H to… oh, forget it. Just read the paper. 

… YOU WERE THE ONE THAT TURNED NARCISSA INTO A PUMPKIN?

I’ve been told, yes. 

((Sarcasm detected)) 

**_WHAT? AND YOU DIDN’T TELL US? WE COULD HAVE HELPED!_**

Hey, it wasn’t like it was intentional. 

_Oh, sure. Because you just turn people into pumpkins by accident all the time._

Okay then, it was slightly intentional. 

What happened?

Oh, she erm… called me a few names… and you lot a few names… anyway, Professor H, the point of this first reason was to tell you that even non left-handed people… 

**Otherwise known as right-handed people.**

What did Narcissa say to you? Because if she called you a you-know-what, I’m going to turn her into a pumpkin again and whack her with a hammer.

_Then feed the pieces to that big plant thing with teeth that Sprout’s got._

Yeah.

James, I… 

**_I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me about it so that I could help._**

((Snort detected)) 

Yeah, if by ‘help’ you mean finish bouncing her around, cut her up and serve her to Malfoy. Not likely, Sirius. 

**Hey, don’t feel bad. I only found out because I did the Prior Incantatum spell on her wand after it happened.**

_Now why didn’t I think of that?_

Because you’ve been hit by too many Bludgers. ANYWAY, I was saying, right-handed people like the above five mentioned agree that the spiral-bound notebooks should be available to students like myself. Here are some of the reasons why they do… your turn. 

((Silence detected))

… Oh, come on! I give you a chance to speak and you have nothing to say. 

_No, we do._

**We’re just thinking how to phrase it. And wondering who wants to be killed first.**

Lillipop, nobody wants to be on the receiving end of your anger.

Stop calling me that! 

Fine…

((Mutter detected)) 

Poppy.

**That's alright, I’ll go… Professor, if you don’t make left-handed spiral-bound notebooks available to Lily in Muggle Studies, you can be guaranteed that all students, staff, ghosts, portraits, and the like will be:**

_Hexed by Lily at least once. Her hexes? They hurt, Professor._

**Also, you can expect:**

Constant whining and complaining. She’s my girlfriend, Professor. I have to put up with her. And I don’t want to be in the middle of making out with her, only to have her push me away and listen to her start complaining again.

_Too much information, Potter._

Watch it, Taylor. That’s your Captain you’re speaking to.

_Shut up._

**You may also find:**

**_The hospital wing crammed full of injured students from Lily’s lashing out in anger. And not just magically – it hurts even more when she physically hits you. Trust me, I’ve got a bruise on my arm from three months ago when she hit me._**

**And:**

_**Lily’s Head Girl, Professor. When she gets mad, I’m sure that she won’t hesitate to abuse her privileges and rights as much as possible. Now, as a teacher, you wouldn’t want bias now, would you?**_

When you’ve all finished telling Professor H how violent I can be… 

_Honey, we haven’t even started._

**Put your hands up: who’s been hit, hexed or been hit and hexed by Lily in the past week because she got annoyed.**

((Rustling sound detected))

**… Let the record show that all six hands went up.**

**_Six? Did she hit herself?_**

**I counted Peter as well, nutcase.**

_Why doesn’t he just join in himself?_

Because he doesn’t know – and can’t do – the spell. Unfortunately, we can’t perform it for him because it’s one of those things that you have to do yourself.

((Unison speaking detected)) 

**Shame.**

((Sarcasm detected)) 

Anyway, Professor H, this just goes to show that if you don’t get some left-handed notebooks pronto, then Hogwarts is going to have a lot of injured students. I’m sure you know how long it took me to get her, Professor – before that, I got some pretty painful first-hand experiences of her annoyance.

((Slapping sound detected)) 

See?

((Users 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 removed by User 1)) 

They were wasting paper. So, Professor, that concludes reason one. The next reason will be given to you as soon as my so-called friends have learnt some manners. 

((User removes self)) 

((New user of Speech-Recording Spell detected)) 

_It’s Melissa again. By the way, Professor, ‘wasting paper’ is just Lily’s way of saying she got too annoyed at us to let us carry on._

((User removes self))

~~~**~~::..::''*''::..::~~**~~~

**Good? Bad? Let me know! Next chapter will just be Lily and Melissa. Also, if you have any constructive criticism, queries, comments etc., let me know, and I'll do my best to answer them. Thanks!**

**Also, just a note, Lily isn't usually as violent as her friends make her out to be. They just like winding her up, as shown perfectly above.**

 


	2. The 'Right Way' Spell

**Author’s Note:** Not much to say, except thanks to those that reviewed, and hope you all enjoy this chapter! Just a quick reminder: 

Lily

_Melissa_

**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all recognizable characters**

**Chapter 2**

_**Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks** _

_**By Lily Evans** _

_**With commentary by Melissa Taylor** _

_I would just like to clear up the fact that Lily is not, in fact, a very violent person, and that she is the loveliest person in this world… to everyone else._

What is that supposed to mean?

_It means that to everyone else, you’re nice, but to people like James, Kayla, and myself, you’re not. That’s right, Lily Evans, we know you for who you really are._

I have such _amazing_ friends.

_You know it._

I do.

((Sarcasm detected))

_Did you see that necklace Remus bought for Kayla’s birthday in Hogsmeade yesterday? It must have cost him fifty Galleons at least!_

I didn’t think he could afford something so expensive. And Kay doesn’t usually like so much extravagance.

_I know, she’s so weird._

Not everyone needs huge parties with fancy dress and alcohol for their birthdays, hun.

_Really? Then they’re weird too._

They’re not _you_ , Mel.

_Was that supposed to be insulting?_

Depends what way you look at it.

_Oh. Then – HEY! Take that back!_

Make me. Anyway, shall we get on with this?

_Be my guest._

So, Professor H, you may want to get those weird stripy glasses of yours on (somebody’s a little overdue for a visit to the opticians), because we have come up with another reason why you should give lefties what they want.

_You mean those gobstoppers that Honeydukes has just started to sell? The ones that look like dragon droppings but taste like heaven?_

No, though I wouldn’t mind a couple of those… I meant the notebooks. After I gave you the sheet from our first argument, I only received a look and a ‘let’s see what else you’ve got’, so I am doing exactly that – showing you what else I’ve got.

_We’ve been asking around the last couple of days for people’s opinions on this matter, as you may know, and here are some of the things that students of Hogwarts have said:_

‘ **Is this an extra credit assignment? Because if it is, how come the rest of us didn’t hear about it?’**

‘ **I think that you should go stick your head down Moaning Myrtle’s toilet and leave me alone.’** ( _Please note that at this comment, Lily took five points off the third-year in question for insulting the Head Girl)_

‘ **I think that you should quit while you’re ahead, because obviously Professor H isn’t going to give in.’**

‘ **Why don’t you just get your own left handed spiral-looking notewriters?’**

‘ **Rot in hell, Mudblood and blood traitor.’**

‘ **Get away from me, you James Potter-stealer.’** _(Please also note that the speakers of the two above comments were both given detention and had house points taken off)_

Obviously Hogwarts students have some very strong views on this topic, and so it was hard for us to come up with a new reason.

_Wasn’t that hard._

They do have strong opinions though, don’t they?

_You bet. Remember that sixth year we asked yesterday?_

Yeah…

((Wincing sound detected))

That wasn’t pretty.

_Though who knew that swearing could have such a large effect on a corridor of people?_

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a large group of people go so quiet.

_I didn’t think it was_ possible _for people to go so quiet. I swear I could hear Peeves trashing the Astronomy classroom in the Astronomy Tower._

Oh yeah… remind me to tell Dumbledore about that, I hear some fifth year Hufflepuff got in trouble for it.

_You’re too much of a softie._

I know.

… _Just not to us, apparently._

ANYWAY, we have come to a decision that reason number two should appeal to you, Professor H, personally.

** 2\. Because you used to be left handed yourself, Professor, before you performed the ‘Right Way Spell’ (which is incorrect in every way you can think of, because there is no such thing as the ‘right way’. It’s handist) on yourself and became right handed **

_What is ‘handist’ supposed to mean?_

Means people that are prejudiced according to the hand you write with. I made it up.

_Clever._

Thanks. I think I should have my own dictionary. ‘The Lily Evans Dictionary Of Lily-Words.’

_I’d buy it._

I know you would. I’d make you.

_But I think you should call it ‘The Lily_ Potter _Dictionary Of Lily-Words.’_

Mel, I haven’t hit anyone for a very long time…

_We’re going off topic now. So, yes, Professor, we all know it. You performed the spell in your sixth year, when it became too much for you to bear. You instantly became right handed, and forgot all of your left hand ways just like that._

((Sound of fingers snapping detected))

How do we know this, you ask? You forget that my boyfriend is James Potter, Professor.

_And you forget James is one of the Marauders._

And you forget that the Marauders have ways of finding things out that normal people like you and I cannot.

_And you also forget that James has an obsession with Lily. He’s like a little puppy dog… follows her around adoringly. So he’ll do basically anything she asks._

Cruel, but true.

_Also, you speak so passionately about Muggles and prejudice in class that it would be such a_ shame _for people to find out what you’re like yourself…_

It should also be noted, Professor, that the Marauders found this out via a _very_ reliable origin. That’s right; we read your personal file. So if you want things publicly broadcasted to the whole school about you that you’d rather keep to yourself, I’m afraid you had better do as we ask.

_And don’t even try thinking about catching us for blackmail._

We still have dirt on you, Professor. Ones that we obtained legally, this time.

_So unless you want pictures of you dressed up in your mother’s robes, wearing her make up, carrying her handbag, during your stag night, I suggest that you wise up, buddy._

((Cough detected))

Tone it down.

_Wise up, Professor._

((Cough detected))

Better.

_So… um… yeah. Get the notebooks, or we’ll show everyone those photos, and we’ll tell on you about your handist-ness, and Lily will stop bugging you and everyone can get on with their lives._

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

((Silence detected))

So…

_Yeah…_

((Cough detected))

_Anyway…_

Seeing as we’ve finished this a little earlier than we expected, even though we went off topic…

((Murmurs of counting detected))

…a certain amount of times, why don’t we go on and answer some of those questions you had about the last reason, heh? I recall you had a lot of comments, Professor.

_Question one_ : **‘I thought I told you to write a petition, not sheets of parchment with records of your rambling on it.’**

_That’s an easy one. We like rambling. And besides, isn’t this much more interesting?_

Exactly. You asked for a petition, we did a little more. Call it extra credit.

_Are we getting graded for this?_

No. Actually, I don’t know… are we?

_There’s a question for_ you _, Professor._

Question two: ‘W **here did you find this Speech-Recording Spell? I thought all books in Hogwarts that had it were burnt after what happened with those students a hundred and fifty years ago. The staff had a nightmare trying to cover it up.’**

Well, Professor, it appears that the Hogwarts library does not have the spell, but it does not stop other books from printing it.

_What she means is that our resident Charms-specialist, herself, found it in a book she got from Flourish & Blotts, learnt it, and taught it to us so that we could eav…_

She _means_ , I learnt it and taught it to them so that we could record notes in class.

((Kicking sound detected))

_Ow!_

Oops.

((Sarcasm detected))

Question three: **‘Why are you so mean to Pettigrew? I thought he was supposed to be your friend?’**

Peter can be a little annoying with his incessant questions sometimes.

_Show me how to do that! Why won’t she go out with me? Can I borrow your Herbology homework? Help me with this essay! Can I use your shampoo?_

He asked to borrow your shampoo?

_Oh… I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that. If he asks, look blank._

((Evil laughter detected))

Oh, is he going to be for some serious teasing…

_Lily!_

Just kidding. James would kill me if I insulted his friends.

_No he wouldn’t._

True, but I like to think of my boyfriend as a loyal, faithful friend. Don’t take that away from me.

_Question four_ : **‘Why does Potter call you… _Lillipop_?’**

That can very easily be answered.

_Can it? You never told me._

Well, it starts with my infatuation with the Spiral Lollipops Honeydukes sells.

_The ones that make your eyes turn into spirals after you like it? The ones that make you look like you’re being hypnotized?_

That’s the one. Anyway, I got a huge box of them for my birthday from Kayla one year, James asked why, I told him, he laughed and then called me ‘Lillipop’, thus the nickname. It only stuck because ‘Lily’ sounds similar to ‘lolly’, and also because it annoyed me.

_Oh… so_ that’s _why. I thought he had some kind of secret infatuation with Madam Pomfrey, whose first name is Poppy, and we all know what lollipop shortened is._

WHAT! Mel, that’s gross!

_You were the one that didn’t clear it up in the first place._

Oh, please. You just have a sick mind and can’t admit it.

_Shut up. Hey, where are the others anyway?_

James and Sirius are at Quidditch practice. Which you skipped, by the way. We’re both going to get grilled about where you were later.

_We’ll cross thatbridge when we reach it._

Same excuse as last time?

_Of course. But make sure you actually use Gryffindors this time, other houses can’t seem to lie as well. Hufflepuffs too honest, Ravenclaws suck at acting and Slytherins are… well, they’re Slytherins._

Gotcha.

_So where is everyone else?_

Kayla’s tutoring her first years, and Remus is helping Peter with his Charms homework. _How_ that kid got into NEWT Charms, I’ll never know.

_Oh… so you purposely picked a time when they were away so we wouldn’t all gang up on you again._

Yup.

_Scheming bi…_

((Note: above word has been erased from the recording because of the rating of the spell. To allow the word to be recorded, please upgrade to the next level of the Recording Spell))

Ahem. So, moving on… Professor, I hope that this second reason will sway you a little more in your choices. If they do not… well, you know what will happen.

_Don’t even_ think _about getting rid of your private file. Duplicating Charms aren’t that difficult, you know._

And those photos? Plenty more where they came from.

_Telling on us? Lower than low._

So, hoping to hear something positive back soon, Professor H…

((User 1 removes self temporarily))

((User 2 removes self temporarily))

((User 2 of Speech Recording Spell detected))

_By the way, Professor, hope you like the… decorationsBlack and I left in your classroom. Those figurines are 100 genuine Slytherin, you know._

_Oh, and the reversal spell’s written under the figurine of Rabastan Lestrange. Hope you know that the likelihood of Lestrange washing his feet is about the same as Snape washing his hair. Good luck with that._

((User 2 removes self temporarily))

~~~**~~*~~**~~~

**I hope that’s good enough for now! I** **really love writing this story, and I hope you’re all enjoying it just as much…**

 


	3. Old School Rules

**Author’s Note:** This chapter involves Lily, Melissa and James. Those people that want their fluff, well, you’ll get it here. As much as I can put in anyway, with it still being funny-ish.The format will go:

Lily

_Melissa_

James

This is so it stays the same as in chapter one, and so I'm not confused. Have fun!

**Disclaimer: Same old, same old. J.K. owns all.**

**Chapter 3**

_**Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks** _

_**By Lily Evans** _

_**With commentary by Melissa Taylor and James Potter** _

…I don’t know what to say. I’m so proud, and so happy.

_For Agrippa’s sake, Lily, just hurry up and get the gloating over and done with already. We haven’t got all day._

Actually, it’s night. And we do have all night.

_Well, I have a life, unlike you two, and I have more important things to do doing._

…such as?

_A date._

Ooh… with who?

Yeah! Tell me so that I can go punch him for going out with you!

_Why would you do that?_

Yeah, why would you do that?

…no reason.

_Lily, your boyfriend’s hiding something from us..._

Frankly, Mel, I don’t really care. If he won’t tell me, I have other ways of getting it out of him, so I’m not too bothered as of now. And quit whining, it's not a nice sound for you.

Lillipop, weren’t you going to tell us why you were so proud and so happy?

_Don’t try and change the subject, Potter._

Guess what? I just did. And you were the one that wanted to get this over with quickly, so…

((Punching sound detected))

Okay, that was mean. Luckily I have layers of muscle and it probably hurt you more than me.

_Unfortunately it is the only thing you have in your body. Muscle, I mean._

Lily! Mel _issa's_ being mean to me!

_Don't call me Melissa._

Mel _issa_ , stop being mean to my boyfriend.

_Like I said before, don't call me Melissa. And stop sticking up for him. You know I'm telling the truth._

Shut up. James, come over here and I'll kiss you better.

_I didn't even hit him!_

Yes you did.

_...oh. Well, get your face-sucking over with so we can carry on with this,_ please

((Kissing sounds detected))

((Eye-rolling sound detected))

_Isn't this spell great? It records everything that the user does, even the tiniest little motion. Such as eye-rolling._

Where were we?

Oh, right. That. I was saying, I’m so proud of all of the students that have started to support my campaign for left-handed people’s justice.

_Justice, or getting what you want?_

Shut up, Mel, you’re raining on my parade. Professor, you saw the whole commotion in the Great Hall yesterday morning. I’m so proud of all the left-handed people in this school that have decided to join my campaign against prejudice of said left-handed people, like myself. Enclosed, you will find a petition of some five hundred and sixty eight names. That’s over half of the school, as you will know.

((Smugness detected))

I didn’t think that there were so many left-handed people in the school. You’re the only Gryffindor in our year that’s left-handed.

_Not all of the people on the petition are lefties. Most of them are actually right handed people; they just signed up because you threatened them to, remember?_

WHAT?

TAYLOR!

_Whoops._

((Sheepish smile detected))

You _threatened_ students to sign the petition?

((Anger and disbelief detected))

Not exactly _threaten_ , more like… strongly encourage?

_Tell her how many people you ‘strongly encouraged.’_

It wasn’t that many, I swear! It was only about… fifty. Fifty-two, maybe.

_Yeah, but you weren’t the only one to threaten students, were you?_

THERE WAS SOMEBODY ELSE THAT HELPED YOU?

Calm down, Lil, your anger’s wrinkling your beautiful face. You're too pretty to get wrinkles from all that anger you have built up inside of you.

DON’T TRY TO SWEET TALK YOURSELF OUT OF THIS ONE, POTTER!

_And it wasn’t ‘somebody else’. It was more like a few somebody elses._

There were more than one.

((Silent anger detected))

_Sure._

((Slight amusement detected))

_Let’s see… there was Black, Remus, Peter… you know. James’ bum boys._

They are not my bum boys. And you are _this_ close to being kicked off the team, Taylor.

_I do have a first name, you know. And do you really think I care? It's just Quidditch._

You don’t care, but other Gryffindors will. What do you think they’re going to say when they find out one of their best Chasers was kicked off the team?

_That is low._

((Mutter detected))

I swear on my own eventual grave, that I will curse all four of them to the next century and then back to the Stone Age.

_Oh yeah… we were saying._

Lily! I swear, I only had good intentions! I only wanted to make you happy, and feel better about this whole campaign… especially what those idiot Slytherins said last week. I don't know why you didn't report them, or at least let me hex the living daylights out of them.

((Softening voice detected))

Really?

I swear! It was purely all for you! I wanted to make you feel happy and proud, and it worked, didn’t it?

I guess.

So… do you forgive me?

Of course I forgive you, you adorable git! It was so sweet, what you did!

((Pouncing sound detected))

((Kissing sounds detected))

_So, while they’re busy playing tonsil tennis, I will brief on you on recent developments in this campaign, Professor. The commotion at breakfast yesterd-_

((Moaning sounds detected))

((Shuddering detected))

_Damn, this is going to be emotionally scarring. I don’t think that Lily could clean her teeth more thoroughly if she tried… FOR AGRIPPA’S SAKE! WILL THE TWO OF YOU TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE? I JUST HAD DINNER! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR TONGUES DOWN - POTTER! THERE ARE FIRST YEARS PRESENT! STOP STICKING YOUR HAND INTO LILY’S BLOUSE!_

((Moaning sounds detected))

_Fine, ignore me then. I’ll just move somewhere else._

((User 1 removed by User 2))

((User 3 removed by User 2))

((Footsteps detected))

_In the relative safety away from snogging Head students, i.e. my dormitory, I can continue. The commotion yesterday at breakfast proves how students are getting on board with this campaign now, and the petition, with three hundred and ninety one of the names being right-handers, further proves the reasoning of reason one._

_Professor, I highly recommend that you start to sway in the direction of giving in to us. Reason number three that we have come up with, being:_

** 3\. We’ll get students to boycott your lessons. **

_I know what you’re thinking: ‘I don’t care if students don’t turn up. I don’t have to babysit a bunch of pre-teens and teenagers anymore, and I still get paid for it.’ Au contraire, Professor. Look what we found in the library: a book of all the school rules ever written. And if you turn to page one hundred and eighty, you’ll find the following:_

** Article Two Hundred And Seven, Section Fourteen: **

**i. Should any teacher in Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry be teaching a class of five students or less for an extended period of time (two weeks onwards),said teacher will not receive their salary until classes are up to sufficient numbers. **

**ii. Furthermore, if a class is not up to sufficient numbers for over two months, then the teacher in question will be made redundant.**

** The above is in accordance with Article Two Hundred And Seven, Section Fifteen. **

_Want to know what Section Fifteen says, Professor?_

** Article Two Hundred And Seven, Section Fifteen: **

** A sufficient class number for a Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry is five students or above. If a class contains less than five students, without the effects of illness, plagues, epidemics, et cetera, then it is apparent that the teacher or subject is too dull, boring, uninteresting, et cetera. This means that the teacher in question does not deserve to be a teacher. **

** The above is by order of Godric Gryffindor. **

_God bless that man._

((New user of Voice-Recording Spell detected))

((New user of Voice-Recording Spell detected))

So which part did you get up to?

((Reading sounds detected))

No fair! You did the school rules bit without us!

_I wouldn’t have had to if the two of you hadn’t started to play your little game._

What game?

_Eh, depends. People call it different things. Some call it kissing, some call it snogging, others call it making out. I prefer to call it: ‘The Game Where James Attempts To Get His Tongue As Far Down Lily's Throat As Possible, And Vice Versa.' Anyway… James, how did you get up here without the alarm going off?_

Look at what I’m sitting on.

((Realization detected))

_Oh…_

So long as I don’t touch anything, and stay on my broom, it’ll be fine.

Hey, Mel, what do you have against Sirius anyway?

_...That was random. What do you mean?_

Well, for one thing, you keep calling him Black.

_Force of habit._

Unforce yourself then.

… _Why?_

Because it’s polite.

_So? Since when have I ever been polite to Black?_

You used to be, until he asked you out in fifth year.

Was that after the summer when you really… grew up?

_No need to be so prudish, dear. Yes, it was after the summer when I got boobs._

What happened there anyway?

… _I hit puberty. My figure filled out. Especially, and unfortunately, my chest._

There are many people that would disagree with that.

_You trying to say something, James? Because your girlfriend - and my best friend - is sitting right next to me._

Shut up. You know what I mean.

((Impatience detected))

So what happened between you and Sirius?

_Nothing. I just decided that Black was an arrogant jerk, too bigheaded, and deserved to be hexed repeatedly. So I turned him down. That was before the unfortunate comment he made about my breasts, after which I really_ did _hex him repeatedly._

Sounds familiar.

You and me, you mean?

Yeah, but look what happened there.

Never regretted it since.

Because I'm so hot and adorable, right?

...Partly. There's a lot of other reasons too, you know.

Love you.

Love you too.

((Kissing sounds detected))

_For the love of Merlin… can you two go just ten minutes without sticking your tongues down each other’s throats!_

We could try, but I doubt we’d succeed.

Yup.

So what’s your problem with Padfoot, anyway?

_I just told you!_

I meant your real problem.

_Oh, would you look at the time. I have a date to get to. Bye!_

((User 2 removes self))

((Grinning detected))

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Feeling’s mutual.

So, what did we get up to… ah, yes. Professor, as you will now know, if students choose to boycott your Muggle Studies class for over two weeks, then you will be left without salary. If it’s over two months… guess what? You’re fired.

As Head students, and myself as a Marauder, we have a very good influence over the school. The boys and I have already convinced around two hundred students to sign the petition, so I would think it’d be pretty easy to get your classes down to five and less for two months, don’t you?

Besides which, students would jump at the chance to boycott lessons _and_ get the teacher fired. This is why we haven’t yet broadcasted this information to the majority of the student body. It’s very powerful information, you know.

On a slightly different topic, weren’t those pictures of ‘Mrs’ Professor H just _adorable_?

Oh yes. Red is like, _so_ your colour.

((Evil laughter detected))

So in conclusion, reason three basically says that if you don’t give in soon, in around two months’ time you’ll be packing your bags, and we’ll be saying bye-bye. Your choice, Professor H.

We can start boycotting tomorrow, if you want. Word can get around pretty fast if you just know the right people.

The Hogwarts gossip grapevine is amazing, don’t you think? Pretty soon, many people will have a free period, and pretty soon after that, you’ll be gone. ‘Til next time. C'mon, honey, we have a date to make. And you still have to tell me why you get to punch Mel's date.

((User 1 removes self))

Just so you know, Professor, I’m having too much fun writing this to let you give in. I’m not stopping until I have to, so don’t worry, you won’t be fired just yet… I’ll keep your classes at six students.

((Smirking detected))

((User 2 removes self))

~~~***~~*~~**~~~

**That was so much fun to write… I loved it. There isn’t much to say here except for that… hopefully you all know what to do here.**


	4. Supporters 'R' Us

**Disclaimer: Same old, same old**

**Author’s Note:** Sorry the update wasn’t within a week; I got this up as soon as I could. As ever, thanks to those that reviewed! 

This chapter has been written by:

Lily

_Melissa_

**Kayla**

Also note that unison speaking is in **bold underline**

**Chapter 4**

_**Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks** _

_**By Lily Evans** _

_**With commentary by Melissa Taylor and Kayla Ferns** _

There is something wrong with this school.

_Why?_

**And what specifically do you mean? Do you have a problem with the walls, the portraits, the ghosts, the students, the lessons, the bad weather, the absence of a heating system, the house-elf slavery, the teachers…**

_Honey, there’s_ always _something wrong with the teachers._

**True… no offence, Professor H.**

… _We’ll assume you said ‘none taken’ here._

Far from it being me insulting many, many people, I will have to say… drumroll…

((Drumming sound detected))

The students.

((Silence detected))

… **Elaborate, please.**

You know the last reason we wrote?

_Excuse me?_

Fine, the last reason that _you_ wrote, about us getting students to boycott Muggle Studies lessons?

_What about it?_

Nobody’s been doing it.

_Sure they have._

**Yeah, haven’t you seen the amount of people that are rejoicing about their free lessons? Silently, so that the teachers won’t suspect anything, but still?**

_And I think you forget, my little left-handed chum, that we ourselves are just a few of those many, many people that have done as you wished and boycotted Muggle Studies?_

Well, apparently not enough people have been boycotting for Professor H to be fired. Or even to have his pay docked.

… **Oh. Never mind.**

_Yeah, don’t worry about it. Leave it to us. We’ll sort it out._

I’m afraid of what you two might do, so I feel it is my duty as Head Girl and your best friend to ask the two of you what you plan on doing.

_We’re not. We plan on asking the boys to._

**Exactly. Life never closes a door without opening a window, yada yada… moving on, what reason did you come up with this time?**

Oh, of course. Well, Professor, seeing that our last three reasons have not managed to sway you, here is another that we have come up with. Now, as you know, most of the students and some of the staff have really gotten onboard this campaign.

_We have some seriously huge support. Without threatening or blackmailing anyone, may I add._

**I’m quite proud of that.**

Me too. So, this brings us to:

**4\. We have a very large number of supporters that are pretty much willing to do anything we tell them.**

Read on and we’ll tell you more about what we mean.

**Don’t tell them this, but most of our little supporters are pretty dense. They can’t seem to think of things for themselves.**

_We’ll prove it. Watch – or read – this._

((Whistling detected))

_Hey, kid! Yeah, you over there! Run down to the kitchens and get me three bottles of Butterbeer!_

**Note that the fifth year – yes, _fifth_ year – that Mel just yelled at has currently sped, at top speed, out of the common room, through the portrait hole, and most likely down to the kitchens. **

Also note that the fifth year actually uttered the words: ‘Yes, Ma’am,’ before he started his marathon run.

_There are two things wrong with that sentence. One: Do I look that old? I am not a ma’am! and two: I doubt it was a marathon run, at the rate he was going._

**Oh, get over it, Mel. That just proves that you have authority.**

_Good point._

And what can we do with this authority (extra, in my case)… well, there are many things.

**Lil already has James whipped. How else do you think she got him to help her so much? Aside from that fact that they’re dating, I mean.**

_She realized how much sway he has over students at the school, and also realized that he would be very useful in this little campaign. Of course, it helps that he’s sleeping with her too, making it all the more easier to get him to agree to help._

**All it took were a few kisses and a pout.**

_Didn’t she undo a few buttons on her blouse, too?_

I don’t think that Professor H wants to know about the… recreational activities that I get up to out of class.

**Sure he does. You get up to a lot of fun recreational activities out of class, Lil. The Narcissa Black Pumpkin Incident was one.**

_The Rita Skeeter Oversized Facial Features Incident is another._

**I knew that was you! How did you do it?**

_Kay! Don’t be so rude! We’ll start with why._

What if I don’t want to?

**Well, we could tell Professor H a lot more of your ‘recreational activities’ out of class.**

_Hey, did you know that if any two students or members of staff are caught fornicating by three or more students up to and including fourth year, or three or more authority figures, it’s grounds for appropriate disciplinary action, up to and including suspension?_

**Did you just say 'fornicating'?**

We see loads of people snogging everywhere all the time.

**I can’t believe that you actually used the word 'fornicating'.**

_Yeah, but nobody ever snitches. We could, if you want._

And I can’t believe what great friends you are. Telling people about how James and I… well, you know.

**We _do_ know, unfortunately. All too well. And why fourth year, Mel?**

_Because fifth year and above are mature enough, but below that, it apparently poisons innocent minds._

Where are you getting this stuff from?

‘ _Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry School Rules, Volume I.’ It was written by the founders, so naturally, there’s lots of old rules that seem bloody ridiculous but are hilariously funny in there. It was where I found the rule about the teachers and insufficient class numbers._

**I want to see that book. Sounds… interesting.**

_I’ll give it to you later. We can give Slytherins detentions with it. Anyway, Lil, you were going to tell us about the Rita Skeeter Incident?_

I wasn't, but I will. But don’t think of it as an incident… think of it as more of an appropriate disciplinary action by the Head Girl.

**So what happened?**

James and I were discussing some Head duties, and you know us, we get carried away when we’re alone…

_Unfortunately, we all have too clear memories of that. Please continue, and never bring that up again._

Okay. So, anyway, James and I were making out on McGonagall’s desk –please _never_ tell anyone that – and all of a sudden, he stops and tells me something that Sirius had told him the night before.

_He stopped snogging you to talk about his best friend? Merlin, Lil, I_ told _you that those four idiots spend too much time together to be straight._

Believe me, there is _nothing_ wrong with James’ sexuality. I should know, judging by certain… things. Anyway, what he told me had to do with you.

_What! What did he say?_

You just questioned my boyfriend’s sexuality, so I’m not telling you. But what did happen was, the Skeeter-cow overheard, and came into the room, asking questions and making up stuff. Even after we confiscated her Quick-Quotes Quill and the parchment that it had been writing on, she still wouldn’t shut up about it…

**How can putting an Engorgement Charm on her facial features possibly stop her?**

It stops her from making sense when she’s speaking. Nobody can take her seriously.

**Nobody takes her seriously anyway.**

Good point. But people probably would have believed this.

_What? Believed what? What do you know?_

Nothing, nothing… Kay, tell Professor H about what else we can get our lovely supporters to do.

**Did you know that Sirius is currently making some oh-so-helpful comments about what we can do to convince you to give in? Like… he’s telling us about the time that you got drunk at a Slug Club Christmas party. Really, really drunk. On school grounds. I’m sure that our supporters would be more than happy to pass that down the grapevine.**

_Black just mentioned something about you… dancing topless on tables?_

I remember that. Ah, memories.

_I forgot that you used to go to those dinners. Why did you stop anyway?_

Because it got boring, repetitive, and I found that I had better things to do with my time.

_It took you five years to realize that?_

Mel, do you want me to tell everyone about your secret crush on Si-

((Scrambling sound detected))

((Clapping sound detected))

((Muffled protests detected))

**Mel, get off her. Lily, stop telling secrets. Both of you, grow up.**

((Unison speaking from Users 1 and 2 detected))

** Sorry, _Mum._ **

((Sarcasm detected))

**Anyway, we were saying about how we can pretty much get our ‘supporters’ to do whatever we want. This can include… hang on, let me ask the boys for some ideas. After all, this is what they’re best at.**

James wants me to say that they’re good at Quidditch, too.

_We know. Anyway, Remus mentioned something about writing to your mother, Professor, and inviting her in. And Lily, what did Sirius say to James that he told you about?_

Nice try. Professor H, guess what? I saw your mother’s picture in your file when James showed it to me! Isn’t she the one with the massive perm, and wears fluorescent green leggings with yellow… oh.

_Exactly. Embarrassing moments._

**Sirius suggested a day of the Marauders’ ‘undivided attention’. And yes, he said it with air quotes and all.**

Ooh… wouldn’t want to be you right now, Professor.

_It’s your fault that they didn’t do anything on April Fool's, Lil._

How is it my fault?

**You were the one that told James that he should act like a responsible Head Boy.**

_So he did. And he stopped the others from pranking people on April 1st._

**So naturally, the four of them have a _lot_ of ideas that need to be let out. And you are their chosen test subject, Professor.**

_And we got the first year supporters to tip marbles outside the Slytherin common room entrance yesterday, remember? That was hilarious… I’ve never seen so many apparently 'smart' people continuously trip over marbles, when they know they’re there._

**The Slytherin seventh-years really aren't a bright bunch, are they?**

There you go, Professor. Our supporters will quite literally do anything we tell them to.

Hey, there’s that guy with our Butterbeer. Thanks, kid.

((Clinking sound detected))

((Fizzing sound detected))

… _Is Butterbeer supposed to do that?_

Y **ep. This is just a different type of Butterbeer than the one you’re used to. Apparently this one, the house elves can drink and not get drunk on.**

_Because I could swear it doesn’t give off butter-shaped bubbles._

**Butter has a shape?**

_You know what I mean._

… **I don’t, actually.**

So, anyway, we just wanted to say that we can pretty much get anyone in this school to egg you, prank you, throw things at you, yell at you, laugh at you, et cetera, until you give in. Because a girl can only have so much patience, you know, Professor.

((Unison speaking detected))

**We know.**

_All too well. Lily doesn’t have much patience… actually, as a matter of fact, neither do I. And there’s only so long we can keep up this little charade for._

**I like doing this. It’s funny teasing teachers and getting away with it.**

I think we’ve taken it one step over teasing by now, Kay. Trust me… I’ve gotten James to do far too much for it to just be simple teasing.

**Is that him painting your toenails right now?**

_No fair! I want a boyfriend that will do that too!_

…I’m sure that we can find you one.

((Smirking detected))

_Okay, I’ve never seen you smirk before, Lil, and frankly, it’s scaring me._

((Evil laughter detected))

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, Mellie.

_Number one, I’m sure I don’t want to see what comes next. And number two, I hate being called Mellie._

**Doesn’t your mum call you Mellie?**

_And look what happened between me and Mum last time I went home for the holidays._

… **Point taken.**

You know, you and Sirius are really similar. You both hate your families, you both only really have two or three people in your family that you get on with, you’re both strangely popular – though Merlin knows why – and you both have an obsession with being independent from said families.

_Why must you compare me to Sirius Black all the time?_

We’ve done it _twice_ , Mel, _twice_.

**Plus we’ve finished the reason and thought we’d pick on you for a change.**

((Grumbling detected))

((User 2 removes self))

((Evil cackling detected))

This should be interesting… so, Professor, I’m waiting for my notebooks, and I’d better get them soon, or you’ll be prone to a lot of angry supporters and their pranks.

((User 1 removes self))

**By the way, Professor, we – that is to say, the Marauders, Melissa and I – will make sure that you stay safe and away from the pranks. We’re still having too much fun with this.**

((Giggling detected))

((User 3 removes self))

~~~**~~*~~**~~~

Thought I’d never finish that… but I had fun! Some of this rambles slightly, but I couldn’t help it. I just had to put it in… 

Looking forward to reading your reviews!

 


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